What is the state that you called as trapped between the desire to live and die? You know, that feeling of trapped and torn into two? Oh no, I do not think I am being suicidal most of the time, but I am more towards wanting to die than wanting to end my life by my own hands. You know, just wanting to give up and vanish my existence from the surface of the earth or just simply extinct without evidence of living. Impossible, right?
Some people asked, why I am feeling this way?
I mean, my life is not hard. I have good food, supportive family, wonderful circle of friends, grand house standing over me, peaceful environment, a caring God watches over me and a lot more that should make me feel as a blessed little girl.
Some people even asked me whether could it be stress that caused all of this tension and thoughts. But again, I do not think that is true too because my daily challenges invite the same of amount of stress which usually at minimal.
So, back to the question: why do I feel wanting my life to end?
I do not know. I do not think something is wrong in my life. Everything can went out pretty well and suddenly, I can dropped down and cry. There are even cases where I avoid interaction with other people to avoid having good mood and breakdown after that or just simply to avoid people asking me whether or not I was OK. Of course I would answer OK because all they can do is giving me support and feel bad for me, which is also something that I do not like at all. You see, I have amazing circle of friends who care for me a lot. Sometime, I just feel it is not fair for them to bear my tears when they have their own tears to bear. So I shut up during my times of emotional state which gets rougher than the waves of raging hurricanes, sometimes.
You see, nothing is wrong in my life and I should have been very grateful about it. I could have been living freely, all according to my milestones to create my own life journey. But the reason lies to all of these happenings is, there is something wrong in my mind and that error has suck my peace out of my life, throw me into a field of dark, confusing swirling tornadoes and keep on dumping me there every time; and the cycle continues to spiral for countless of times now.
So unfortunately, I cannot answer their question of why I am feeling that way. All I know is the thoughts are unbearable, which leads me to self-harm: under-eating, excessive exercise, scratching, knock myself against the wall and the list goes on (but not too much, since I still aware and scared of pain); or just simply shut myself out from the world and cry myself to sleep.
If somebody asked me another question: what do you want to do with your life?
Well I do not know. My life is already this messed up! How could a rose bloom out from a cigarette ashtray? But what I want for sure is carving every single demons that feed me with the desire to die out from my mind and leave a beautiful carving behind. They have caused enough scars in my life and I certainly do not require anymore of them!
Hey, perhaps someone can share me tips on how to carve them out (before they starting to carve sanity out of myself)!
Write a new post in response to today’s one-word prompt. Not sure how to participate? Here are the steps to get started.